Washington Cremation “I will never forget the fear I felt as I sat in the doctor’s office with my wife on the cold and snowy day last winter,” Rick told me. “His words to us, even though they were spoken gently and very compassionately, numbed me to the bone and engulfed me with a chilling disbelief.” “Mary,” he said “you are filled with cancer, and there is nothing more we can do. I’m afraid it’s terminal.” Looking back now, Rick realizes that fear and denial were the first emotions to surface when he learned his wife was terminally ill. He also knows now that he went through many different emotions during the year his wife was dying. He sought professional and family support for himself and his wife that helped them walk their difficult journey together. Working Your Way Through Here are some of the things that helped Rick cope with the dying process his wife was going through. As he learned from these things, he helped enable Mary not only to understand and accept her coming death, but ultimately to come to peace with it. Realize That You Will Grieve Before the Death Occurs As soon as you become aware that your loved one is terminally ill, you begin the emotional side of the grieving process. You may find yourself, as Rick did, totally denying the fact that a death will soon occur. “How could this happen?” you may ask yourself. “My loved one never showed any signs of being sick. She’s always been so healthy,” You may find yourself weaving back and forth between denying the approach of death and accepting it. Without realizing it, you have begun the mourning process. This process is called “anticipatory grief.” It is a state in which you begin to acknowledge that a death will occur (especially as you see the person decline), and you begin to mourn the fact that soon you will lose them. It is perfectly normal and can help you prepare for the death. Try to accept the fact that you have begun to mourn the fact that soon you will lose them. It is perfectly normal and can help you prepare for the death. Try to accept the fact that you have begun the grieving process but can still spend quality time with your loved one, taking care of the unfinished expressions of love, disappointments, and care and concern that might have been put off for the future. Take the time now to begin to ask yourself some very important questions: “How am I going to be able to be present to my loved one and at the same time realized I have begun grieving his coming death? “What can I do for myself spiritually, emotionally and physically in order to have the strength to cope with losing her?” “Where can I turn for support in order to sustain myself and my loved one during this difficult time?” Know That You Will Be In Pain You will experience many different feelings as you struggle with the thought of your loved one dying. Rick immediately felt fear as well as disbelief. You may be going through the same feelings, as well as being angry or sad, guilty or numb, all at the same time. These feelings may occur over and over again. This process is natural; when the time comes, it will help you heal. As you struggle through the pain of your various emotions, acknowledge what you are feeling, “Talking about things with a close friend can help. Writing down or journaling what is happening to you emotionally can be a powerful tool. But no matter how you cope with the impact your loved one’s approaching death has on you, remember that a wide range of emotions is perfectly normal and to be expected. “being present with your loved one as he or she struggles to accept the reality of terminal illness has been the beginning of your journey of grief.” Understand You Will Have to Make Adjustments Your life changes with the knowledge that your loved one is terminally ill. You realize that they will not be with you much longer, and yet you also realize they still have a life to live until the death occurs. You find yourself feeling anxious about the practical things that need to be taken care of now, and perhaps also about those that will have to be faced after the death. “How am I going to go to work and yet be present during this dying process?” “Should I tell the children now or wait?” “How will I manage without him?” “Will I be alone after her death?” Try to concentrate on the present moment as much as possible. Your loved one is still with you; focus on helping them live their life to the fullest. Reassure the person who is dying, whether a child or adult, your spouse or your parent, a sibling or a friend, that you are there, and will be there, for them. Learn from your loved one’s health care provider as much as you can about the disease so that you can be prepared for what happens both emotionally and physically as the illness progresses. Talk about the information you have, if your loved one asks. Ask you loved one how you can be helpful and attentive to them. Be at peach knowing that doing “the best you can” is all you can do. Take the time you have together to try to put to rest any “unfinished business.” While these issues might include unresolved legal or medical matters, more importantly this is a time to express love and appreciation, disappointments and the need to reconcile any differences. How many times after a person dies do we wish we had told them we loved them? Now is the time to do so! Now is the time to ask for forgiveness for them. Now is the time to for you and your loved one to share and gather the cherished memories you have of your time together, so that these memories may be imbedded deeply in your hearts. Focus On Yourself, As Well As Your Loved One, and Seek Spiritual Support As Mary began to weaken and need more rest, Rick decided that he needed to spend all his time taking care of her. He was good at it. But it soon began to take its toll on him. And he found himself feeling over whelmed. If you are, like Rick, in the position of being the primary caregiver for your dying loved one, understand that to do your best in that role, you need to be nourished physically, emotionally and spiritually. You need to eat and sleep well in order to have the strength to be present to your loved one and have the energy “to give.” A fair amount of exercise and the company of friends and family are necessary if you are to face the difficulties of each day. It’s important that you find someone you can talk to as you begin to grieve your loved one’s upcoming death. You do not need to, and should not, face this loss by yourself. Your local hospice can be enormous help. Talk over the possibilities with these compassionate, trained professionals. This is also a time when you can share your burden with God. How many questions about sickness and death you must have! How many questions your loved one must have also. Putting them into words and praying about them together can be a source of strength and peace for both of you. If you attend a faith community regularly, talk with a pastoral or grief minister on staff. They have had many experiences with the terminally ill and can be a listening ear for you. Ask them to visit your loved one. They can bring with them a spiritual presence that is helpful to the dying. And if you haven’t been involved in a faith community for awhile, now could be a very good time to take another look. Take Heart Your journey of grief begins with your being present to your loved one as she or he struggles to accept the reality of terminal illness. You accompany your loved one and are an intimate part of their final journey here on earth-what a wonderful privilege for you and a profound blessing for them. The moments you have shard and the memories you have stored will help prepare you for the grieving you have already begun and will continue to do. Cherish those memories and recall them often. Don’t keep them to yourself; let others know your loved one through sharing your memories. Allow those memories to help you not only survive the death of your loved one, but begin the healing process and grow as a compassionate human being. If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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